Just a place where I can rant if I need to. Praise if I can. List my hopes and dreams if I have any. Be silly if I decide to. And if you don't like it...YOU CAN "KISS MY GRITS"!

Friday, March 28, 2008

She's a super FREAK, super FREAK...she's super FREAK-AY (yow!)...

Because I'm going out of town this weekend and have not posted in a while...here's a list of various emails I sent this past week during PREGNANCY WEEK 5 FREAK MODE.

Monday March 24th, Freakout ensues:
my doc's office called and said they wanted to do another HCG test b/c the first one was so low...to be "sure", b/c that would just be really early. ok, freak out ensued...I mean, who has crazy sore boobs, a late period 2 positive urine tests and a positive blood test and is not pregnant? so...I had another blood draw yesterday afternoon...worst blood draw ever and I have a huge bruisey knot in the crook of my arm! ugh! According to the nurse..."everything is probably just fine and you probably are pregnant" but to ensure it they'd like to do another blood draw. Ok, so major freak out going on over here b/c I don't get the blood work back until tomorrow and we'll see if it's progessing (doubling) like it should.

Tuesday, March 25, Freakout in full swing:
So they call today "98" (the level was 28 before) levels are supposed to double every 2 to 3 days...according to online calculators that puts me doubling every 2.2 days. so doc calls again...numbers "look good", but they want to make sure my numbers keep doubling since it's soo early ( i'm getting tired of hearing how early it is honestly b/c so what...i know my body...and my baby for that matter!) so I have to do another blood hcg test tomorrow.
ok, I know they say "it's fine...it's just people don't usually know this early"...but it still worries me. i guess I should look on the bright side and if the numbers keep looking good then things are going well and I can ease up on all the worrying I was already doing prior to this new development. I know most people don't get to know anything until that 8 week appointment and this would just be reassurance that things are going well (b/c if numbers aren't going up then there is a problem and that's the scary part of the first trimester).
needless to say...I am for real pregnant...which I knew and am mad they scared me about...but I'm worried about these numbers...I'm trying to appreciate knowing this information and hearing a doctor say that even though "it's early" things are going as they should since "it's early".

Thursday, March 27th, Done Freaking...Just getting mad at the stupid stupid nurse:
Anywho (clinic calls to give me updated HCG level= 242 PRAISE 8LB BABY JESUS)...the nurse called me back to say "those are good numbers, doing what they are supposed to...I'll show them to the doctor and see if he wants to see you a little earlier than your 8 week appointment for your delayed menses". Um what? "DELAYED MENSES" is that what they are calling pregnancy these days? Luckily...these numbers are making me feel good and I'm not worried...I'm just frustrated w/ these nurses not giving me a straight answer. I asked why she thought he might want to see me when she just said that everything looked fine, she was like "I'm not sure if he will, but he might since it's 'so early'". What kind of answer is that? Um yeah lady, everybody starts out EARLY, you don't just jump to month 9 here! Anywho...again, I'm not worried...I have a greater peace about this (God and I had a chat). I'm just frustrated w/ these people. If they want more blood or to look up my VaJayJay they are going to have to give me a better answer than "it's so early". Not that I'm opposed to going to the doctor, but I don't like things not being explained to me...and that's one thing I learned this summer was to advocate for the patient...so I am.
Later on that day:
Nurse calls back, "well, dr whatshisnuts says the numbers a great, you seem to be doing fine, just keep that 8 week appointment for the delayed menses"...I said, "Ok great, thanks". (What I really wanted to say: "LADY, THE APPOINTMENT IS FOR AN UUUULLLLTRRRAAASSSSOOOUUUNNNND! SAY IT WIIIIIITH MEEEE, PRRREGGGGNAAANT!") The next time someone says "oh you're pregnant" or "you're pregnant?!" I'mma say "well, we like to call it a 'delayed menses'".
OB Nurse who's afraid to say the word pregnant probably b/c you're from my grandma's generation...KISS MY BABY'S GRITS!

Sunday, March 23, 2008

A Grain of Rice

So...I wasn't going to blog about this for a while...but, partially because I am beside myself with worry and a little afraid to be excited, I'm going to tell you.
Now, if you are a reader of Stationary's blog...then you'll know her pee test story. Mine is pretty much identical. Here's the reader's digest version:
Day 28 of cycle, still no spotting (yes, maybe TMI), usually there is spotting for days and then I start somewhere between day 28 and 31.
Sore boobies. And, I just had a feeling, but I wasn't getting my hopes up.
5:30 am, had to pee...test was very faint, but he and I both saw the line. Freaky, and I was still afraid to be excited. Called the doctor and the doctor said, no more monkeys jumping on the bed...wait, that was a different story...the doctor actually said "we don't do pregnancy tests". WHAT THE FREAK? FOR REALS?? YOU WON'T CONFIRM MY CRAZINESS, THAT IS INSANE YOU OB/GYN PEOPLE! So J convinced me to just go to the clinic at work. I called "Do you do pregnancy tests?" they said yes and that I could come right then...RUNNING AT FULL SPEED DOWN THE STAIRS B/C THE ELEVATOR WOULD BE WAAY TO SLOOOOOOOW, I made my way into the clinic. I was handed a little baggie (thank you God, it was opaque) with a pee cup in it. The nurse instructed me that the genuises that built the clinic (a man no less) didn't put a potty in it, so I'd have to go across the hall...pee in said cup...bring it back...and take my time (take my time my ass, I was peeing in that thing ASAP). DANG IT...people, in the bathroom (b/c of course there is no onesie! I just knew that the women in there could tell I was peeing in a cup for a pregnancy test...I peed and put the cup back in the bag and darted back across the hall (y'all...I'm not afraid to tell you, I didn't wash my hands, no time for that, plus then someone might see my cup-I washed later thankyouverymuch). Again, with the faint line...SHEEESH. Ok granted I really don't usually start 'til day 30 or so, so I don't know what I expected. From what I understand most people don't get an early response. Nurse: "We can do a blood draw to get HCG levels, but I would take this as a positive". Now, I'm not fan of blood drawing, but I was up on that table bare armed in point 5 seconds! She put "STAT" on my bloodwork, and honestly I hope that's the last time me or my baby needs something STAT unless it's ColdStone cake batter ice cream with a brownie mixed in. I sat very nervously until 12:45 when the results were in....the envelope please. YES! Although it said "weakly positive" and that I was about 1 week post implantation...supposedly the "weakly positive" was b/c it's so early but, it's been adding to my fears recently.
So here goes...make me feel better.
I haven't had "pain" per se, but I have had a feeling on my lower left side. A feeling that has me fearing ectopic pregnancy. I'm trying to tell myself that it's just the left ovary that released the egg and the one with the cyst that develops in the beginning...but I still fear a problem.
I haven't had any bleeding and again no "pain". The best I can describe it is it feels like there is something sitting there on the lower left part of my abdomen, where I imagine my left ovary and fallopian tube is. It's not constant and it's not tender to the touch nor can I feel anything different on the outside.
I'm just freaking myself out. Of course the tiny, miniscule (sp?) amount of brown tinge on the tp yesterday morning was freaky to (ok it was day 30 and I did read that that is normal and even had a friend confirm it happened to her and it's fine, but I still fear it everytime I go potty).
I read cramping was normal, I wouldn't say I've had that...Again, I'm just afraid to be fully into this and happy, which sucks because I've been wanting this, and do want it. However that makes it more scary I think.
Anyway, J came home with a baby Tigger rattle toy...softest thing I've touched EVER! My mom has already given me a blanket, mawmaw gave me a blanket and my aunt gave me 2 books. Sheesh people I just found out.
So if you have any words of wisdom, I'll listen, but I'll probably continue to freak until the heartbeat appointment. I have promised myself and J that I'll stop looking up stuff online b/c one minute it'll make me feel better, then the next, it's freaking my freak.
So, maybe I'll just freak on here rather than looking stuff up.
Well...here's to hoping this is just the beginning of my dream coming true (dang, hormones are really kicking my butt b/c I am crying at my own sentence!!)
OH, and "A Grain of Rice" refers to what J is affectionately calling the baby right now. The baby, wow, weird, surreal.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

I'mma tell you, like Wu told me...

Cash Rules Everything Around Me (C.R.E.A.M.) So, what I was going to blog about...Cash (not Jessica Alba's baby daddy) it's needed. Everyone needs it and is trying to get it. Even those who'll never need another penny in their lives is trying desperately too get more of the green stuff. Dolla' dolla' bill y'all.
I always feel like I'm working for "that day"...the day I'll have it. I don't need millions, my dream is to be able to have a house, with a yard (yes, I'd like a nice kitchen and master bath just like everyone else), a good car, my health and the health of my loved ones, kids, vacations, be able to go to the grocery store without worrying about how much I spend, buy that shirt at Target just because, have friends over for dinner or a cookout and not need them to bring anything...none of that was in any particular order, but the thing is that's what I'm working for. Everyday, it's what I work for.
And the other day I was thinking...why do we do that (I assume I'm not the only person in the world that does that), why do we work for tomorrow? I mean, yes, it's good to plan and be smart. But why aren't we living for today. If you are, I salute you, I want your secret. I want to be able to enjoy today, the people around me, the things I am able to do, the things I do have right now.
I know, that despite living paycheck to paycheck and student loan to student loan, I have a lot. A lot more than what some people have. Which is what makes me feel awful that I sometimes forget to appreciate that and think "I'll be so glad when Josh is out of law school, but I still worry that we won't be much better off than we are now because of all the school debt we'll have."
Let's face it, I'm never gonna be the bread winner again. Working where I do I have basically started over and I'll just say it, I feel like a loser. I don't have to have money to make feel like I'm worth something, but in society I don't look like much. At least when I was teaching everyone gave you the "aww, that's so great you're a teacher...that's soo hard." You were admired. It didn't make it quite as bad that you got paid crap because everyone knows "teachers don't get paid what they deserve". Then I moved on to Child Life and it was "aww, working with kids in the hospital, that takes a special person". Even back in the day working at the group home it was the same thing.
I guess it's hard from going from those admirable rewarding jobs to something where people have no idea what you do and your pay rate is the lowest on the totem pole. Makes you feel like a loser to have your master's, plus all this work experience and be grouped with people that have less education and experience (please don't read that as I am calling those people losers, that is not my intent at all...none of my grandparents had much beyond an 8th grade education and I think they are the most intelligent people I know-even if not by societal terms) makes you feel like "what the heck did I do all that for".
I will say, I would never trade all my work experience for anything. I envy those people that went to college and got a job in exactly what they majored in, are making lots more money than me and are happy, in love even, with their jobs. I know that I have one up on them...I've done a lot of things. Had a lot of experiences, learned a lot. I know that about myself. I'm a lifelong learner...I have no desire to jump from job to job to job, but I truly do enjoy learning things. The job I'm doing now utilizes the analytical side of my brain, a strong suit of mine (I don't dare say I'm a smarty pants by any means...but I'd like to think I'm a decently intelligent person and a hard worker) and I like using that part of my brain.
I make excuses for myself and say "I needed a break from working with kids, I've done it for the past 10 years"...though I believe that to be true...I truly believe my dream job is to be a mom (I used to think it was to be Cinderella at Disney World...however, I believe that a good mom is a Cinderella when needed).
I guess truly what I feel is that something is missing, I know what I think it is...I guess I have to wait and see what He fills that spot with. In the meantime, I have to try and not let today bypass me. I have to live in the here and now. Though it's ok to dream about tomorrow and "one day" I know I'll get more enjoyment if I live for today. "You can't take it with you", so I don't need a pile of money to sit in the bank "gathering interest" in case I need it one day (not that it's a bad thing-those of you with savings don't hate me) I need to live within reason today because tomorrow it might all be gone.
So, I'll keep doing my job that no one understands, trying not to feel like the biggest loser on the planet, knowing that life really is good and that when "one day" comes I'll have had a good life in the meantime.
And to Cash I say "kiss my grits"! (but I won't turn you down if you coming knockin' at my door, okthanks!)

Thursday, March 13, 2008

In the words of Wilson Phillips "Hold on for one more day..." (or 4 days)

Ok so, I do have stuff to blog about, but this week has been really busy, seriously. I can't go into all the boring details...(I'm at work...shhhhh). I'm headin' out to holla at my girl in Chi-town (and her boy) and will return with all the tales of debauchery on Monday, better make that Tuesday because we don't get back until midnight on Monday. (boy this thing types better at work, I don't know why when I use my 'puter at home on this blog it types funny...sorry for the random thought.)
Just remind me that when I blog next I also have to "tell you what Wu told me" about C.R.E.A.M. (not that kind people, not that kind of cream...)

Monday, March 10, 2008

So worth 20 cents!

So a few Saturdays ago I discovered the vending machine at work had frosted blueberry pop tarts. Since I was at work on Saturday, I had myself a breakfast of 7 year olds. That's right, OJ and Pop Tarts. Sorta makes me mad that Brit Brit and Linds are referred to by that name...the name of warm frosty pastry 'liciousness.
Then this past Friday, I treated myself to some goodness again. Dollar in hand, I headed to the vending machine...DOH! My stupid dollar won't go in...AND I HAD NO CHANGE. Ok, now I really wanted that tart more than eva!
Luckily the cafeteria downstairs sells them. So I bebopped myself on down there. YES! The very same Pop Tarts...Frosted Blueberry. I go to pay...I had to give her my whole dollar! They are only 80 cents in the vending machine...dang, no change to add to my empty work change stash for emergency snacks and drinks. To make matters worse, the toaster ate some of my Pop Tart and I had to perform emergency surgery to get it out. What a way to start off the morning (I know, woe is me...poor Breezy and her Pop Tart catastrophe, but still...it was a rainy Friday.)
I walk to the elevator, heated smelly goodness in hand. And what to my wandering eyes should appear, but...A HOT GUY IN A SUIT! People, there are no HAWT guys at my work! So he held the elevator for me and we began our ascent to...the same floor! Then, he spoke...
HOTTIE-Man, those smell good.
BREEZY- Yeah, I had some the other weekend here and it took me back to childhood. So I figured it was a rainy Friday and I deserved Pop Tarts again.
HOTTIE- You definitely deserve it (door opens) After you...
BREEZY- Thanks.
HOTTIE- You have a good day.
BREEZY- Thanks, you too.
So worth the 20 cents! (Until I realized today, when yes, I succumbed to the Pop Tart temptation again...THEY ARE CRAZY BAD FOR YOU...9 WEIGHT WATCHER POINTS! I could have had chicken mini's from Chick-fil-a!!! I'm not allowed to have them anymore...I've got to stick to the points for a while, the pants are TIGHT!)
So Frosted Blueberry goodness, you can KISS MY GRITS (b/c that is what I should be eating, plain grits, not even cheesy ones...it's ok Pop Tarts...I still secretly love you, but don't tell my love handles!)

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

The FREAKS come out...after lunch apparently.

I know, I know…I’ve turned into one of you! You people that take too freakin’ long to update your blog. Well, why I don’t have a good reason for leaving my millions, eh-hem many…ok, my readers in a lurch, I’m back. Before I get to the point of the title for this blog let me fill you in on the past week…
Birthday, work, work, work, work, went to work on Saturday-program was down so I left, walk with Rach and Sam, shopping for a new shirt so I don’t look like a loser out on the town, drinks & dancing with some great gals, laziness, work, Sushi dinner with Dad, work…Yep that sums it up, exciting isn’t it? I don’t know why MTV hasn’t contacted me for a reality show of my life.

So, the freaks:
First let me say, that all of this occurred after “lunchtime”. I decided to eat my lunch late today and try the “eat a few small snacks throughout the day” to help with hunger/boredom/weight loss. If I get to see interesting things like this everyday I will keep it up!
Freak 1- Upon sitting myself down for an afternoon potty break, I peered down and noticed the feet of someone next to me. Hmm, cute black flats, but what the? HOT PINK TIGHTS! Now if you know me, which I know the 3 of you do, you know I love me some pink. But get real! HOT PINK TIGHTS AT WORK? I mean, we’re not working at Mode Magazine here Betty. I did contemplate waiting her out, to see just what ensemble required HOT PINK TIGHTS. But, I was very worried that I might laugh out loud. So I began to imagine…did she look like this (well crap I can't use this pic b/c of stupid "stealing bandwidth" rules...imagine the tights, the shoes and jean short-alls, white and black short sleeved shirt, with a pink and white belt...Do you see it? I knew that you could!

Or perhaps...(again with the rules! so now picture gray t-shirt dress with a large silver belt and short jean jacket...picture it, I'll wait...)
We shall never know. Next time, I promise I will wait her out…it’s been killing me all day!

Freak 2- Went back to the kitchen to get my lunch out of the microwave and there was a guy standing at the other microwave waiting on his lunch…or should I say rocking. Yes people, he was standing there rocking his body back and forth. Add to that he was holding a paper towel, make that meticulously twisting a paper towel. I was trying not to stare, it was kinda freakin’ me out…not because people with ‘differences’ scare me (again if you know me you know I’ve worked with and love ALL KINDS), but I have to assume that he was not developmentally disabled. Now I’ll admit, I’m guilty of weirdness…but I usually try to save it for the confines of my own home and show it only to my husband who has to love me anyway (our vows said so “better or weird, richer or poorer and weirder…” if you paid attention she really said that.)

Needless to say, my afternoon lunchscapade was in-terra-sant! I’ll keep you posted on more Freak sightings at work. I tell ya, I can’t make this stuff up people. Weird stuff does happen. Oh, wait I never told you about the weird names that are called over the intercom:
Paper Buffalo - yes T heard it too, they said it. T and I have taken to calling the little old man that delivers mail the “Paper Buffalo” (he’s kind of a freak too b/c his desk is covered with wolf pictures and statues)
Rob Petrie- Ok, so you wouldn’t have noticed that one b/c you didn’t watch Nick at Nite and see the old episodes of the Dick Van Dyke Show…sorry you’re not as cultured as me.
Anya Nipples- I kid you not! They called twice and both times I stopped what I was doing to listen. I mean, why were other people not laughing?! There can’t really be an Anya Nipples at work can there? I had to hold my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

Ok…so proof that cubeland isn’t always as boring at it may seem. I might have to find myself some HOT PINK TIGHTS and all you haters can “KISS MY GRITS”!