Just a place where I can rant if I need to. Praise if I can. List my hopes and dreams if I have any. Be silly if I decide to. And if you don't like it...YOU CAN "KISS MY GRITS"!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

I'mma tell you, like Wu told me...

Cash Rules Everything Around Me (C.R.E.A.M.) So, what I was going to blog about...Cash (not Jessica Alba's baby daddy) it's needed. Everyone needs it and is trying to get it. Even those who'll never need another penny in their lives is trying desperately too get more of the green stuff. Dolla' dolla' bill y'all.
I always feel like I'm working for "that day"...the day I'll have it. I don't need millions, my dream is to be able to have a house, with a yard (yes, I'd like a nice kitchen and master bath just like everyone else), a good car, my health and the health of my loved ones, kids, vacations, be able to go to the grocery store without worrying about how much I spend, buy that shirt at Target just because, have friends over for dinner or a cookout and not need them to bring anything...none of that was in any particular order, but the thing is that's what I'm working for. Everyday, it's what I work for.
And the other day I was thinking...why do we do that (I assume I'm not the only person in the world that does that), why do we work for tomorrow? I mean, yes, it's good to plan and be smart. But why aren't we living for today. If you are, I salute you, I want your secret. I want to be able to enjoy today, the people around me, the things I am able to do, the things I do have right now.
I know, that despite living paycheck to paycheck and student loan to student loan, I have a lot. A lot more than what some people have. Which is what makes me feel awful that I sometimes forget to appreciate that and think "I'll be so glad when Josh is out of law school, but I still worry that we won't be much better off than we are now because of all the school debt we'll have."
Let's face it, I'm never gonna be the bread winner again. Working where I do I have basically started over and I'll just say it, I feel like a loser. I don't have to have money to make feel like I'm worth something, but in society I don't look like much. At least when I was teaching everyone gave you the "aww, that's so great you're a teacher...that's soo hard." You were admired. It didn't make it quite as bad that you got paid crap because everyone knows "teachers don't get paid what they deserve". Then I moved on to Child Life and it was "aww, working with kids in the hospital, that takes a special person". Even back in the day working at the group home it was the same thing.
I guess it's hard from going from those admirable rewarding jobs to something where people have no idea what you do and your pay rate is the lowest on the totem pole. Makes you feel like a loser to have your master's, plus all this work experience and be grouped with people that have less education and experience (please don't read that as I am calling those people losers, that is not my intent at all...none of my grandparents had much beyond an 8th grade education and I think they are the most intelligent people I know-even if not by societal terms) makes you feel like "what the heck did I do all that for".
I will say, I would never trade all my work experience for anything. I envy those people that went to college and got a job in exactly what they majored in, are making lots more money than me and are happy, in love even, with their jobs. I know that I have one up on them...I've done a lot of things. Had a lot of experiences, learned a lot. I know that about myself. I'm a lifelong learner...I have no desire to jump from job to job to job, but I truly do enjoy learning things. The job I'm doing now utilizes the analytical side of my brain, a strong suit of mine (I don't dare say I'm a smarty pants by any means...but I'd like to think I'm a decently intelligent person and a hard worker) and I like using that part of my brain.
I make excuses for myself and say "I needed a break from working with kids, I've done it for the past 10 years"...though I believe that to be true...I truly believe my dream job is to be a mom (I used to think it was to be Cinderella at Disney World...however, I believe that a good mom is a Cinderella when needed).
I guess truly what I feel is that something is missing, I know what I think it is...I guess I have to wait and see what He fills that spot with. In the meantime, I have to try and not let today bypass me. I have to live in the here and now. Though it's ok to dream about tomorrow and "one day" I know I'll get more enjoyment if I live for today. "You can't take it with you", so I don't need a pile of money to sit in the bank "gathering interest" in case I need it one day (not that it's a bad thing-those of you with savings don't hate me) I need to live within reason today because tomorrow it might all be gone.
So, I'll keep doing my job that no one understands, trying not to feel like the biggest loser on the planet, knowing that life really is good and that when "one day" comes I'll have had a good life in the meantime.
And to Cash I say "kiss my grits"! (but I won't turn you down if you coming knockin' at my door, okthanks!)


CindyLooHoo said...

#1- You are not a loser. You are a very strong woman who chose to change career paths because that was what was good for you. It takes a lot for someone to recognize that and actually go through with it. Some may call it crazy, I call it bravery.
#2- You have a job. That is a plus in today's market. Remember you are blessed with bringing that paycheck home.
#3- About that paycheck...how many women can work their tails off and help put their man through school. Josh is working his tail off as well, but can you imagine if he didn't have you supporting him? Not just with dolla bills (ya'll), but with the encouragement you are giving him.
#4- God is watching all of this and will change the course of your life when HE is ready- and no sooner, no matter what we do to speed things along.
You just keep rocking and being a bad A*! Chick!! (that's the mild version :)
Love you girl!!!

Beckers said...

Aw, I wanted to grow up to be Snow White at Disney World! (Have we had this discussion before?) But then I decided I could never be Snow White, because I didn't have black hair. (Got the paleness thing DOWN, though, lemme tell ya!) Of course it never occurred to me that a Disney princess could wear a black wig…

Anyway, nobody really knows what I do, either. My job title is a "scientific data analyst," but that means nothing to most people—so I just say I work in HIV prevention (which is also true—I just work on the data analysis part of it). Maybe you can just come up with a more general description of your new job and that will help when talking to the non-analytical folks in the world. And if you ever need to talk to a fellow analysis geek, well—you know where to find me!

Breezy said...

Thanks Cindy and Beckers...I needed that =) You're both right...I am a "bad a$$ chick"...maybe that's what I can tell people my job title is "Yes, I'm a BAC in DM out in RTP, sometimes I want LOL at the people that are like OMG WTF is that? I'm sure you understand what being a BAC is like right?" I'll have to work on it, but I bet my new job description will go something like that.